10 realizations.

1. It is not okay, after 4 years of celiac disease, to forget to ask the waiter at the Chinese restaurant about the possible wheat gluten content in your Chinese food meal. Your intestines will gripe about it later.

2. Nothing brings distant friends together like an "Engaged" status update on Facebook.

3. Scrapbooking is an art, and those who are good at it are legitimate artists.

4. twosecondsaway is a talented Kansas musical duo. (http://newmusicmonday.com/)

5. Relationships aren't easy, and the ones that seem perfect often need the most TLC.

6. Growing in a relationship with God doesn't happen by sitting on your booty thinking deep thoughts and only reading books that are not the Bible. The Word is the Word is the Word, get in it.

7. It's one thing to be sad about a person's problems. It's another to judge her for having those problems.

8. If you try to show off for your runner boyfriend in a 5K by running really fast, you might get a double stitch in both your sides and end up walking a third of the race.

9. People are forgetful, which can sometimes be a positive thing.

10. The word "Phantastes" is pronounced "fantasies." Whoops.

photographs and memories (sad like a jim croce song)

I've been going through my photos today, trying to prepare myself for the massive task of scrapbooking my college years. I assume that for most people, this is a fun thing to do. Hey, look at my funny hair! Hey, what kind of a face is that kid making?! Wow, we were just beginning to be friends! Look how young we are! Etc. On top of the reminiscing, some people are just naturally attuned to photos, colored paper, and gluing it all to scrapbook albums. Me, not so much. Scrapbooking is more of a nightmare because I get overwhelmed thinking about how to lay my entire photo collection all out, in chronological order, selecting only the best photos, and then making it all aesthetically pleasing. Gah.

But I digress - for a while, I really was enjoying going through my photos. I have some funny ones that are terrific and quite a few that really capture the essence of random road trips and hangouts from my first 2 years at K-State. I find myself thinking, "Wow, this scrapbooking endeavor might actually work out and even be fun!"

But after a while, I noticed how strained my smile looks in many of these pictures. I noticed it most often in those early sorority photos with tons of girls (predictable - we barely knew each other then) but also in candid pictures with friends and with my boyfriend at the time. And I hate to recognize that strain in my smile because I remember exactly how I was feeling at those times. I was either: A) faking it, B) nervous or C) mildly depressed. For a variety of real and imagined reasons.

Then all these feelings about the people in these photos come crashing in. Now I'm sitting here, clicking through pictures, looking at faces and thinking of their names, all people that for whatever weird reason I didn't try to get to know. Or I didn't understand at the time. Or I thought didn't like me.

(!)

And I totally feel in despair. It makes me so sad. My heart feels heavy with the weight of these burdens of memory. Memories of what I perceive as failures to build relationships. Why was I so afraid of them? Why did I think he/she didn't like me? Why was I so weird about that relationship? I wish I could let it all rest. But I don't know if that will ever happen. The thoughts are always present; often hidden, but there. Ready to pop out and ruin my evening, like tonight.

Here's the question I have had on my mind for years now: If I miss out on an opportunity to build a relationship with someone, have I missed out on a tiny portion of God's plan for my life? Have I skipped over a crucial part of God's will for my life? Have I messed it all up beyond repair? What if I was supposed to hold on to a relationship...but lost it along the way? I want to trust that God will restore people to my life if He planned on having them there...but at the same time, the fear of my destruction of those relationships tends to speak louder than the security of His goodness and good plans for me.

It's just sad. Really, really sad. I have to get over it, and the remedy I'm taking is to stop with the photos, get a bowl of cereal, and talk to my dad for a while. I should probably talk to my other Dad as well. I'm so glad He listens to all this stuff still.

love song for Spangler Graphics.

I'm dedicating this post to my summer place of employment.

Here is where I work from 7 am to 3 pm: the illustrious illuminative office of Spangler Graphics, creator and shipper of Premier School Agendas. That is my lovely leading boss lady Lilly in the background. I freely admit that this job would be a horror without her.




















on the left is Holly and on the right is Lilly, 2 of the 3 amigas de la oficina of which i am the 3rd member. notice our collection of found notes on the cubicle divider thingy.















sometimes we're silly. a lot of the time, actually. it comes with the territory.















sometimes we're pretty. that's ashlee from upstairs, our 4th amiga. these 3 ladies have impacted me more than they know. they are each such incredible women.
















and i am lucky enough to be working again with this guy:
















The point of my post is this: At a random and often heinous production plant in KC, I have worked with some of the most ardent people of faith and had the joy of watching them seamlessly integrate life and faith into producing school agendas. I have had great conversations with people whose lives look very different from mine. I have learned how to work computer programs that are useless pretty much everywhere else. And I've found love in multiple ways.

God is so good! Seriously!

further up and further in.

i'm sitting at the Bistro where i really ought to be cranking out this very last literature essay of my college career. i'm supposed to be writing about his poetry compared to his poetry. got to love those old dead white guys. (really, though...if you ever want to read about wrestling with pride and grace, salvation and self-condemnation, God and man...try them. they are sweet.)

God has blessed me. really and truly. in the past week and a half, He has allowed me to enjoy several exclusively Manhattan experiences. these include: many coffees with friends, a morning on the Konza with my BFF, a snowcone from Tad's, 2 gigantic bowls of Call Hall ice cream, lunch at Van Zile with a friend, the view on Manhattan Hill, 2 date parties with friends and my sweet-action boyfriend, a couple of wedding showers, etc. etc. etc.

in college, i have been burdened by these crippling fears: that i didn't do enough to love people, to invest in relationships, or have the kind of life a Christian ought to have. but recently, as i pack up my worldly goods and drive back to Kansas City, i have the best feeling. i feel like i am able to leave here with a contented heart. not everything has been perfect. i do think some relationship troubles could have been avoided had i been wiser. but, the blessings and joys far outweigh the sorrows and troubles. to paraphrase my very favorite author:

"There are far better things ahead than any we leave behind."

of course, he was talking about heaven - but i think i can apply this to closing old chapters of life and opening new ones.

and of course, a Narnia moment applies to: the cry of "further up and further in!" resounded on the Pevensies' lips and the hearts of every noble beast as they raced each other deeper and deeper into Aslan's country.

we're not there yet, by any means. but even though we're not yet in Aslan's country, we can still hear His voice and chase after it. that's what this summer and the coming years are about. so bring it on. wherever He may lead, may i follow. from work to student teaching to ?.

further up and further in.

diseased.

after a lovely long Spring Break in Jacksonville, Florida, i came home to my beloved Kansas City.

and picked up the flu.

today is day 5 of me vs. illness. i have done nothing the past 2 days but lay in my bed, chug orange juice/apple juice/H20, and read "Breaking Dawn" by Stephenie Meyer. i find it a satisfying conclusion to the series. one more teen "must-read" i can say i've read. maybe i should make a list of those in my efforts to be the up-to-date high school teacher.

right now my mind longs for solid food. my stomach says, "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

boo on you, flu. you make me feel and look icky, you make me boring, and you isolate me from everyone. thanks.

"the dream of the rood:" or, how the anglo-saxons translated Christ's death into a form that made sense to them.

Here's something sweet I learned about this week in British Survey I. On the western border of England and Scotland, there is an ancient stone monument called the Ruthwell Cross. It is considered one of the most valuable monuments in the development of the English language because inscribed on it are 3 languages, the evolution of Old English transfixed in stone. There are pictographs (depicting scenes from the life of Christ, animals feeding, vines, etc.), as well as runes and Latin. When translated, the runes echo lines from a poem called "The Dream of the Rood," which I had to read this week for British Survey. Wikipedia has the Old English with the translation of the runes from the poem into the Old English they represent, as well as the modern English:

"Krist wæs on rodi. Hweþræ' þer fusæ fearran kwomu æþþilæ til anum."

"Christ was on the cross. Yet the brave came there from afar to their lord."

In the poem from which the above lines come, the unnamed author dreams that he sees the cross of Christ, all covered in gold and jewels, which then begins to bleed, altnerating back and forth between bright yellow gold and bright red blood. Then the cross speaks - literally speaks - about its role in the crucifixion. I thought these lines were particularly powerful:

"Then I saw the lord of mankind
hasten eagerly when he wanted to ascend onto me.
Then I dared not bow down or break,
against the lord's word, when I saw
the ends of the earth tremble."

The Anglo-Saxons had a culture that revolved around stories of great battles and heroes that fought in them. But like any people who hear the Gospel, they needed a way for the Truth to make sense within their present culture. Whoever wrote this poem knew that Christ made the most sense to the Anglo-Saxons if he was depicted as a glorious hero, a warrior who eagerly embraced the chance to die for those He loved and save them from their sins. That makes this poem extremely significant and precious, as more than just a poem that marks the development of English. It's a testimony to the Truth - from over 1000 years ago.

when i type "love" into itunes, i don't get a whole lot.

today. for no reason. i decided i would get on Facebook and watch 3 of my friends' wedding slideshows.

these 3 women are 3 of the most beautiful women everrrrr. and they're all in the same family. not even kidding. (i'm like, Lord, share the wealth, please!) and their bridesmaids are beautiful. and their families are beautiful. even their grooms are beautiful...handsome?

everything. beautiful.

i rejoice in beauty (even when I'm obviously just a teensy weensy bit jealous/apprehensive about them and where i one day will fall on this 3fold scale of wedding wonderful.) there's some kind of glow that people who are completely and hopelessly in love have. the flowers, the cake, the dresses, everything pales in comparison to that.

this probably wasn't the best idea. i have a crazy long short story to finish. with 2 pages to type up about just 1 paragraph in that story. and a list of other boring humdrum things. plus they say...by they i mean wise women in my life...that a girl shouldn't let her daydreams of nuptial bliss get ahead of her reality.

my reality is...well...finishing college. strengthening friendships. anticipating student teaching. growing in my relationship with God. growing in and enjoying my relationship with J.

so i admit, i'm off-task. but dropping off into the la-la-land of love and marriage is way too fun. i so look forward to that day, whenever it comes. until then - it's good to share the joy of friends who are planning right now for that day, as well as the joy of being with people who, like me, aren't there yet.

a new dawn and a new day.

like so many others, i witnessed history today - on tv. i sat on the couch downstairs with around 7 or 8 of my sorority sisters, folding my clean laundry and watching the 44th president take office this morning. it was remarkable - to say the least. however, it wasn't until this afternoon that i realized how deep the emotional impact of Obama's inauguration is felt by people in minority groups in this country.

my first and only Tuesday class, Teaching in a Multicultural Society, met at a reception for the 2009 Commerce Bank President’s Commission on Multicultural Affairs Reception. a student and a professor were being honored for their achievements in education and support for minority students. i heard several speakers at the reception who reflected on the significance of today's events, tying in the awards with the inauguration of America's first black president and Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday. the vocal group United Black Voices sang two gospel hymns; the first repeated a chorus over and over again - "Lord, i know i'm saved" - and the second was "amazing grace."

guess who teared up when that song was sung.

when the last speaker closed the reception - she's a professor in the dept. of continuing education, i think - and i watched as she got a little choked up when speaking about Obama - i realized how freely i had heard these people speak about God and Jesus and use other terms to designate a spiritual significance during the reception. these elements of the speeches and remarks were relatively vague, but there was definitely an indivisible connection between an acknowledgement of God and the celebration of minority accomplishments.

i find this incredibly interesting.

we are taught some in school about the plight of slaves in America prior to the Civil War. we learn about the secret songs featuring Biblical characters and places, sung by weary workers in the fields desperate to light a flame of hope within their burdened hearts. we learn about a woman who led hundreds of slaves to freedom in the North, whose nickname was Moses, and another woman who spoke up boldly for slaves and women, who called herself Sojourner Truth. from then to now, there has been a clear connection drawn by blacks between the unforgettable story of Exodus and the story written in American history concerning years of suffering, a great war, an emancipation, and a widespread call to civil disobedience. throughout this story, we see several professed Christians take the stand and invoke God and Christians boldly to reevaluate their values and ways of living as they affect others.

essentially, today i have been thinking about how tightly Christian spirituality is woven into the expectations and emotions of many minorities as they applaud our new president. i am wondering, not necessarily about the merit of this spirituality, but about its place within Christianity as a potential sort of sub-set faith.

the question left for me is: how much does God really champion the advancements of people groups?

when i look at biblegateway.com through their online version of Nave's Topical Bible, using the term "election," this is what comes up concerning the nation of Israel, which we all know as a pivotal character(s) in the OT:

"for you are a people holy to the LORD your God. the LORD your God has chosen you out of all the peoples on the face of the earth to be His people, His treasured possession." deut. 7:6

"for the sake of Jacob my servant, of Israel my chosen, i summon you by name and bestow on you a title of honor, though you do not acknowledge Me." is. 45:4

so obviously, God had to choose a people group to specifically reveal Himself through. but why Israel? did something make them stand out more to God than the others? the second verse seems to nullify that argument - Israel was definitely not holier than the other peoples. Isaiah goes on to speak the LORD's words in 49:6...

"he says, ' it is not enough for you to be My servant raising up the tribes of Jacob and restoring the protected ones of Israel. i will also make you a light for the nations, to be My salvation to the ends of the earth."

i guess you could also use the entire book of Joshua, and events concerning foreign nations through the Chronicles and Kings, to point out how God led Israel to victory over the nations that did not call him God. so he definitely was fully behind their advancement, quite literally in many cases. and we know that He is still behind them today - even those who still wait in vain for the Messiah that came among them 2,000+ years ago.

but what about other peoples besides Israel?

what does God think on a day like today, when a member of an oppressed and often underprivileged people group rises to a position of power over a mixed multitude? how much does God advance the particular needs and wishes of people groups - aside from basic human survival and belonging needs? is it right to invoke Him in all situations relating to human agendas?

our God is a lover of people, and one who desires for them to love Him back. when that happens - when people love God first and most - that love pours down from heaven and washes in a horizontal direction over others. as Christians, we are called to be Christ - and to be Christ means to come alongside those who are suffering, who are losing their grip, who feel weak and helpless. To be Christ often means turning to social justice issues. To be Christ often means asking Him to be behind all that we do.

after today, though, i'm thinking about what it means to truly seek God's will concerning equality among human beings, and what it means to assume He is behind my - or any - particular people groups' advancement. today was an incredible day for black Americans - for minority Americans - for all Americans in general, whether they admit it or not. while God has ordained this day, this presidential term, having worked it out long ago, i don't know how comfortable i feel with this deep intertwining of a Christian spirituality and racial advancement.

write what you know.

how do you become a successful blogger?

here are my guesses:
1. be hilarious and witty about interesting things.
2. write, write, write. (this i've heard since grade school, but still i have trouble with it.)
3. have a really sweet layout and tricked-out design.
4. become a big deal.

more later on which of these are actually achievable.

anyway, you always hear people say that the best writing comes from writing about things that you know about and are meaningful to you. this means i'll be writing on this blog about books...college...teaching English at the middle/high school level...Christianity and faith-related issues...thought-provoking articles, and maybe even reflections on pop culture and current events.

for example, a little pop culture - last night, j and i went to see "slumdog millionaire." ohhhhhhh my gosh. this movie, hands down, is one of the best movies i've seen. a beautiful story that, as far as i can tell, shouldn't have been able to work for all the cliche rags-to-riches elements and the unlikely love story intertwined throughout. and yet it does work. it works because we love a story that follows an unlikely hero - one who should have died or been broken by the harsh experiences life dealt him - who manages to live and even become a winner (of 10,000,000 rupees, no less) rather than a loser. we love to see such a hero, who has carried a torch for a girl he hasn't seen for years, be with her at last, despite the vile attempts of evil men to keep them apart.

are these cliches? yeah, maybe. but they're good cliches. whether we want to admit it or not, this is the kind of story that people have always enjoyed. this story can make your heart sing as you watch it. it reminds us that evil doesn't have the final say for a person determined to overcome. it champions the possibility of achieving something wonderful when you have been considered worthless and good-for-nothing. i see so many good elements exhibited by the characters in this film - determination, sacrifice, endurance, justice, faithfulness, and love (of course), just to name a few.

and according to the golden globes, i'm not the only one who sees these things: http://tiny.cc/sjFkS
so go see it, and when you do, be sure to tell me what you think!

back to school, back to school

in 3 days, my last official semester in manhattan begins.

it will be a lot of lasts, i think.

last semester living in the kappa house...
last semester having frequent just-down-the-street access to 2 of the best coffee shops i've ever studied and hung out in...
last semester to take undergraduate classes, to walk around campus, and to spend time with the wonderful array of people i've known for 4, 3, 2 years or less.

i should be feeling sad and sentimental. but i'm not just now.
it's not that manhattan has been bad.
lots of good has come about from my time at k-state.

it's just that manhattan doesn't hold my heart.
a friend wrote a song with this line: "just take me home to kansas city, love."
that's what i'm feeling, for now, and for as long as i can see. (which, let's be honest, is only a few years or so.)

soon i'll get offline and start packing up my stuff for the drive to manhattan.
tomorrow i'll move into my new room at the house and spend time with people while i can.
and it will be great. really.

only one semester left? bring it on.